Comments on: Bipolar Disorder: Setting Boundaries

By: Cleo Peres Motta Morales

Cleo Peres Motta Morales — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 20:43:11 +0000

First I want to introduce myself: I live in Rio / Brazil. I’m 27, I am a happily married woman! I finished law school in 2006 and early 2007 was already in the portfolio of OAB in hand, although it has not worked as a lawyer, unless a court free of charge. I am also trained in piano. In fact I started studying piano at age 9 and finished the course in 2003. Currently I am only private music teacher and homemaker, which I have done very well …!

In September 2010 I discovered that I suffer from bipolar affective disorder.

Today I have lived very happy day because I’m able to handle it so surprising to me … is a phase of discovery and conquest.

God has helped me every day! Hallelujah!

Excuse the mistakes in grammar.

Hugs.

By: Clay

Clay — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 12:42:52 +0000

I’ve been reading over the back and forth of people with bipolar and without. I have bipolar and was just hospitalize and released a few days ago. I pitty my wife for what she went through, I had been off my meds for a few months and decided to go back on them my self instead of getting the start packs and doing it right. Well what I didn’t know was that I also have a respitory infection. I was walking through the house I work in and it was like someone pulled a black curtain everything went dark I started sweating profusely. This was about 7:30am I started getting my head together at about 10:30am. I that time frame I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing. I ended up going to my in-laws house and had the same thing happen again but instead of blacking out for a few hours I blacked out at about 4:30pm and woke up two days later in the hospital with my dad sitting beside me. This was at about 8:00pm on the following Tuesday. He left and I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get comfortable in the hospital bed. At Midnight a Sheriff’s Deputy came to pick me up. I was handcuffed and shackle and transported two hours away from home to a hospital with a mental ward. I had no idea what had happened or what was going on. I had to stay there for two and a half days to be observed and court order to take my medicine and see a psychiatrist. Still not knowing for sure what happened until my family arrived and told me. You want to talk about scary. This had never happened before. When I called my wife the following Tuesday she didn’t know where I was or what was going on the hospital kept giving her the HIPPA information protection spill. This was my wife who was there the whole time that I was in the first hospital. Well as for what happened. I was wondering around the house again blacked out. “The lights were on but no-one was home.” I walked through out the house just saying “I don’t understand”, my wife kept trying to get me to lay down and I kept telling her I couldn’t lay in the middle of the bed. She said she kept talking to me but I wasn’t responding. Her and her brother finally got me into the car to take me to the hospital and they had to put the child locks on because I kept trying to get out of the car. When I got to the hospital I wondered down a back hallway and was cornered up by security. My wife said when she got around to where I was at the four security guards had me on the floor with my hands behind my head trying to restrain me. They finally got me on a gurney and sedated. The next day they were trying to put in a cathereder in to get a urine sample to see if I was on any drugs and it took about six people two of which were my mom and my wife to hold me down. They said I bit a deputy that was there in the next room picking someone up and heard the struggle and tried to help and I bit a nurse. Luckily since I wasn’t of sound mind at the time, they didn’t press charges. They finally sedated me again and when I woke up the next day is when my dad was there. I know understand what it’s like to go through what others that I have talked to that have been through that have dealt with. Not only are your loved one at times scared to be around you but you feel bad because it’s really out of your hand to at times. I have a good support group at church and one of my friends also has bipolar and went through a similar situation a few years ago. I know I’m going to catch hell from my doctor on Monday when I go to see him about not taking my meds, because my friend with bipolar really gave me grief for stopping my meds. It was because of the cost for the most part. I know and did know that I needed them. Oh by the way my wife also has clinical depression so she can sympothize to a certain lever with what I go through. I know how dangerous someone that is going through a manic attack can be both to there selves and to others. The care that the hospital staff gave me may have been rough but due to the scabs and cuts on me I know they were doing what they thought was right at the time and in the long run it’s nothing that won’t heal, compared to what I could have done to myself. The only real complaint I have is that they didn’t keep my wife informed of what they were doing, why they were doing it, and where they sent me. Even the psychiatrist the I was ordered to go see, when we told her what happened said the way they kept things from my wife was not right. I have just chalked this up to: I need a durable power of attorney for my wife to get information and her one so I can get information and to stay on my meds and see a doctor when I’m sick.
For those that don’t have any mental health problems hang in there. Count the good things that are in your life, when things are spinning with your spouse it will only be for a short time, and things will work out. Remember everyone has there faults some have a diagnosis and a name and some don’t. The ones that don’t you have to worry about, because the one’s that do have a name have been diagnosed and you or your spouse can get help. Some people just go undiagnosed and make everyone’s life around them hard. Believe me I’ve had to live with a neighbor that has been married three times and divorced three times and is as mean as the day is long, and run off everyone around him but the people that are scared of him and he abuses them. At least my disease has a name and we can fix it.
Well I’ve held you up long enough I have three beautiful kids to take care of and college classes to attend take care. May God bless you with a support group like mine, and many blessings.

By: LKT

LKT — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:46:54 +0000

I’m finding that as a Psychologist and the WS, this article is hard to digest. After 4 years of marriage, one small child, and 10+ years of being partnered with someone with BP, I’m sadly just realizing the drastic need for such boundaries. While I agree that the boundaries are (absolutely) needed to keep ones family emotionally and physically safe are necessary, the extent that this article goes seems like it can be very demoralizing and even enabling of the MIS. The extent mentioned here seems like it can not only be “over”-controlling, but also a HUGE burden for the WS. Beyond the daily stress of any relationship, family, job, this author suggests that it even more (practically ALL) household responsibilities lie on the WS? Seems unrealistic and I wonder if taking on so much just makes things worse? Why not keep some responsibilities divided, and keep the boundary contingent on their completion (ie. MIS file the taxes, but have consequences if they don’t get filed on time)? Though this does come with some risk, it seems like a practical way to keep the WS sane… The end points struck me the most, especially the statement “Often the mere threat of leaving scares the MIS into compliance.” Wow, a relationship based on ultimatum! Is it possible that that can work? I’m still figuring this out…

By: Robby

Robby — Fri, 21 May 2010 02:05:25 +0000

Life with a spouse with bipoar is hard. It is very hard. There is no sugar coating it. There are many inspirational phrases that I read that say to be patient, and say to be hopeful, and that is all very true, but it is so hard to be hopeful when you are trying to hold your whole family’s head above water by yourself most days. Trying to protect your children from seeing thier mother lash out again, or cry again, or yell again, or worse.. threaten to try and take her life again. I go to work where I am a manager at a very large company and there is lots of stress. I take it all with a smile, but inside I know that instead of being able to go home after a crazy day at work, my home will be no comfort for me. I sometimes stay late at work to get a break from home in fact. I am patient, and I realize that the person I am talking to, who is yelling bad things about me can not help herself, but in the end, does it really matter if they mean to hurt you or if it is an illness that makes them act this way? If you are driving in your car and you hit another car and injury or kill someone in the other car(God forbid), does it really matter if you meant to hit them? Does it take away the grief that both families of the accident have to bear in the wake of such a tragedy? No. There are good days too, and she is a good mother and trys her best to be a good person, she really does. But even on the good days, you almost cant enjoy them, because you are almost wondering how long you have until the next episode will start again. There needs to be more focus on finding cures for this illness. It is one of the most destructive illnesses to family that deal with this, and you hardly hear a peep from anyone about it because we are all ashamed and hide it from everyone, because the friends and family we share it with, with all thier good intentions that they may have, have thier own lives and struggles to deal with and get scared away over time seeing something that they dont understand, and it is with no fault of thiers. I honestly dont know if I would want to deal with someone else if the roles were reversed. I am venting here. I am sorry if this does not bring the hope that others have expressed, and God bless them for it, but keeping it all in and being the strong one always for the family (and I would not change any of my burden to prtoect my children) sometimes takes a toll and there are not many places to express it to others who may be familiar with what you are going through.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 08:34:21 +0000

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article.

It’s helpful to have some tools to help cope with the effects of bipolar in our family life. I’ve already found that having firm boundaries in place with severe consequences to be very beneficial in navigating my way through this.

I want to say that I am filled with hope.

Life with a bipolar spouse (especially when you have three small children) is incredibly hard. I bear the burden of having to go back to work full-time because my husband can’t or at least won’t and still maintain the household, the laundry, helping the school age child with homework, handling the finances, etc.)

I do find that when I am enacting/holding the boundaries in place it is helpful to offer it up like a choice instead of as a demand. “J, we’ve agreed that this behavior is unacceptable and doesn’t grow our marriage relationship. If you choose to live a seperate life from your family, then feel free to resume this activity/behavior/”friendship.” If you would like to continue on with us, here in this home, this will not continue.” Conversation over.

So often in setting and enacting boundaries with my bipolar spouse (in addition to having to be responsible for and manage almost EVERYTHING else)I feel like the parent of a 4th, adult child. It is overwhelming and lonely at times.