18 Responses to “Bipolar Disorder: Setting Boundaries”

1. Edward Schiff on August 13th, 2009 10:26 am

   Hi,
   I am interested in ways for family and friends to cope with bipolars, and will search for that aspect in your book. I’ve recently published a small book (The Crashing Ego) in which I discuss the ego connection to bipolar, hoping that this perspective can help in understanding some of the bipolar behavior.

2. Layla on August 13th, 2009 4:33 pm

   Hi Dr. Fink,
   I just wanted to refer you to this additional resource that can help family members of bipolar individuals understand them and their needs. The book is Living Out of Darkness: a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity, by my friend George Denslow (I’ve included his e-mail above). It’s a thin, highly readable book designed for bipolar individuals and their loved ones, by someone with bipolar, and illustrates Denslow’s personal journey of learning to manage his bipolar without medication through a holistic spiritual approach. You can learn more about him and read his blog, as well as order the book if you’re interested, here: http://www.LivingOutofDarkness.com

3. lisa anthony on August 18th, 2009 7:01 am

   Kathy Bane, most of what you say in your book, I agree with. The line that says if a woman is home alone, she MUST work. that statement does not represent the bipolar patient. Some are able and some are not able even through numerous tries.I am on SSD after over 20 years of hard attempts to be employed. Sorry I don’t fit you mold. trooper

4. Joe on August 18th, 2009 7:07 am

   Hi, Lisa–

   Kathy was referring to the WS – the Well Spouse must get a job to support the family (assuming the family is not independently wealthy). That line confused me at first, too. I had to re-read it to make sure who she was referring to.

   Also, she probably should have said that “if the well spouse is not working, he or she must get a job….” In today’s world, it’s becoming more and more common for the woman to be the breadwinner and the man to stay at home with the kids.

5. Bill Smith on August 20th, 2009 6:12 pm

   Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:59 pm Post subject: bi polar

   ——————————————————————————–

   Let me take sides here. I am a husband of 15 years whom has delt with this disorder. I have been through it all from divorce (and re-marrige) to waking up and having to call the 911 beacuse of the suicidal tendencies. From my point of view you have to make a commitment, life long commitment, to this life. I for one think marrige is forever and have stuck with it. The craziness NEVER goes away. There are good times and bad (very bad). We have been to specialist one after another. She has been on all the meds of varring doses. Nothing has worked to this point. In my ever to be humble opinion I believe that there is no hope for you and you will never be happy. You just need to pray for someone to help you GET through the bad times…..
   Perhapse there is in the future some miracle drug that has yet to be discovered. But for now I hope you are prayed up and have the LOVE of God deep within your bosom, otherwise run just run for your lives!!!!!

6. lisa anthony on August 21st, 2009 9:47 pm

   Bill Smith, thank you for clearing that up. Makes more sense now.

7. Christine on September 9th, 2009 10:25 pm

   What’s weird for me is that I am the “MIS” in the marriage yet I feel more like the “MS”. I have bipolar disorder and I take medication for it and I have my ups and downs, but I am basically normal on the medication. My husband probably has an undiagnosed mental illness, either bipolar disorder or OCD. I do a lot of things mentioned on the boundaries document, such as paying the bills, doing income taxes, sorting the mail, taking charge of home maintenance, etc.

8. Carl on September 14th, 2009 6:55 pm

   First of all the labeling of a mentally illperson as a MIS and the Well person as a WS, I found infuriating. The MIS sounds at the get go like a loser, which a mentally ill person doesn’t have to be.

   The whole article treats the MIS like a total loser, which many of us aren’t. We can handle our taxes,take care of our cars, and are not abusive to our wifes. On medication we function quite normally. The setting of boundaries is a two-way street. This article is a one way street, where the WS is in control of everything. The MIS is a mindlessstuge. I have seen situations like this where the WS has the MIS in their total controland it is a sad situation to behold. The WS has the MIS medicated to the point of stupor, therefore there is no threatand there is no life.

   I don’t disagree with boundaries. There should be no violence, no threats, and no abuse, but the MIS who gives total control to the WS is a fool. Boundaries have two sides

9. Kelby on September 16th, 2009 10:38 pm

   I pay the bills, or else they would all be hopelessly late. I do the taxes- my dad was an accountant and I grew up watching him do his own taxes every year. I am the car expert in the family. I’m a nurse. I’m a mother. I do the laundry, I vacuum, I cook.

   Hubby is a teacher, does the yard work, takes out the trash/recycling/yard waste (which is a full time job in Seattle), cleans the kitchen and bathroom. He is also a dad!

   Which one of us is the MIS, and which one is the WS? Neither one of us has ever felt the need to draw boundaries as described in this document.

   Being of service to someone else has often been the only thing that relieves my bipolar depression. I have been blessed that I have only had two episodes of hypomania, and they didn’t get me into trouble. I have had eight episodes of depression. Lithium and therapy is helping a lot.

   My heart goes out to everyone who is so profoundly affected by MI that there is a need for boundaries as described in the document.

10. Bipolar Support For Loved Ones on October 5th, 2009 2:24 am

    [...] Setting Boundaries: http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/marriage/bipolar-disorder-setting-boundaries.html [...]

11. Notedhere on October 16th, 2009 9:37 pm

    Interesting article, but i found that my spouse’s therapist would not allow me to be part of therapy.

    And as such he may (or may not) have been in tune with her mood changes that led to alcohol abuses and dangerous sexual practices.

    I found that the therapists desire to keep the “trust” of the patient backfired.

12. Harold Knight on October 24th, 2009 8:38 am

    This may not be exactly germaine here, but I think it is. I have discovered a resource for support that I never would have dreamed of. I teach in a major private university, and I accidentally mentioned my blog (about my bipolar disorder and my temporal lobe epilepsy) to a couple of my students. They went looking for it. At first they were shocked. And then they began to be interested. Nearly all of my students know about it, and it has sparked some very interesting conversations. My sense is that there is a group of young people who have been introduced to the fact that bipolar disorder is not some horrible crazy-making thing, but a disease that even one of their respected teachers can have, and it doesn’t make him either a monster or a bad teacher. I think we need more of this kind of education—even before people get into marriages.

13. Notedhere on October 24th, 2009 4:21 pm

    <>

    Harold, you are undoubtedly right. Unfortunately, not all BP accept that they must stay on meds and not lie to friends, therapists and colleagues.

    I was squarely in your camp until my wife’s illness destroyed my family.

14. Joe on October 24th, 2009 5:52 pm

    Hi, Harold–

    This is very interesting. I was just having a conversation with a friend who noted that all the people he hears about who have bipolar are celebrities or famous historical figures – Vincent Van Gogh, Robert Downey Jr., Sylvia Plath, etc. That’s the picture people have in their minds of bipolar.

    I think you’re right. We need to realize that accomplished professionals – teachers, business people, doctors, lawyers, politicians, and other normal folks – get bipolar disorder, too, and when the illness is managed it doesn’t make them monsters or bad at what they do.

    Bipolar manifests itself in all sorts of ways in all sorts of individuals. In addition, some people with the illness manage it well, some are unable to, and some refuse to. We can’t lump everyone with bipolar into one category. People with bipolar are individuals and everyone’s struggle is unique.

15. anne on October 31st, 2009 8:23 pm

    hi i am new to all this my husband was diagnosed 6 years ago with bi polar life has beeen unbearable for the most part on the meds etc:this year for the last six months he has been having an affair with a 67 year old woman .he is 53 years old and i am 45 years of age .he just uses our home like a hotel .and expects to be treated with the best life has to offer on every level .my health took a bad turn earlier this year .and he just left me to get better without any help from him .and told me that if i got any sicker that i could be put away someplace out of the way .his words not mine.. i developed arthritis and high blood pressure mainy due to the stress in my life.my childeren and i have asked him to leave and do what ever makes him happy but he refuses to do so and says he sees no reason why he should and that he is doing nothing wrong.and this is the way he wants to live his life.when we last slept together over 3 months ago .he said to me i didnt have what he was looking for in a woman.i am over the insults and the torture of this man . i left and his followed and says if i dont live with him that he will commit suicide .life is so so sad and horrible i would just like some peace i know he is not well and its the bipolar doing all this .. but so much pain and suffering has happened through all this .and our lives are so damaged i think we couldnt ever get back to a normal way of life . my question where and when is it all going to end ?thank you all for reading this .can you offer any help or advice please x

16. anne on October 31st, 2009 8:29 pm

    hi again i red lots of the above comments good to know i am not so alone …………

17. Laura Hart on October 31st, 2009 9:15 pm

    Hello, I’ve been researching bi-polar sites trying to get a feel for what is available in the way of information and on line support.
    I’m bi-polar, it started earlier than most people believe. Deep suicidal depression before the age of 10. Mania erupted around the same time too.
    I’m at a transition point: I have found out just how awful bi-polar can be to me and to those who love me. I got Grave’s Disease, which attacked my thyroid.
    Anytime there is a chemical imbalance in your body, there will be an imbalance with the bipolar.
    Thyroid is such a powerful hormone that it tore me apart in every way possible. Insomnia, depression, rage, mania, suicide, were just some of the fun things I had to deal with for almost five years. Finally, only ten months ago was I given a “better” dosage, which is natural, from a pig’s thyroid. It had to be done as i could not break down the synthetic T4 into T3. And T3, synthetic is Cytomel, used to be used as an antidepressent. Watch out bi-polars.
    It couldn’t end there, I had a fall cracked my head or actaully bent a bathtub rail. Had a left side stroke, damaged the discs in my neck, and I may just have lupus now. I’m 5′6″ and maybe 90 pounds and in constant pain.
    But I want to work though I’ve been disabled for 10 years. I’m the “bi-polar reporter.” I’m currently using my hypo mania to deal with a public healthcare district, the bipolar way.
    And, as if fate intervened, when I became disabled I got the license plates: the numbers were/are 5150. I believe on some level it’s my destiny and that of those who chose to use it.
    I have a second blog, “The bi-polar American” and i’s written by me along with some younger kids who are bipolar but so incredibly creative and so lacking in self esteem or worth.
    I’m trying to get my local youth involved, and they seem to come to me.
    Google me and let me know what you think about our site: Laura Hart The bi-polar American.
    I feel sad that so many of us suffer and are not able to keep jobs, relationships, and even take care of ourselves.
    So, I’m trying to do my part. Good luck to us all, on both sides of the issue.
    I beleive we all have something to contribute and I don’t use the problem as an excuse, but I do admit to it as a reason, and try to be responsible for what I do and blurt.
    Tnank you. Laura Hart

18. essential greens on January 13th, 2010 7:23 pm

    i am blogging to work through my relationship with my bipolar friend. i hope you’ll visit and offer advice!

Leave a Reply

Name

Email Address

Website

CAPTCHA Code