Chris Summa
April 4, 2010
It took a lot of years to stop denying that I have this disorder. But after looking back at the path of destruction it has left in my life … there is no more doubt in my sick mind. I just blew yet another relationship that could have been beautiful but my mania just wouldn’t have it.
I need help and when I sought it before I was turned away due to insurance or the waiting list was full. I have been on a broad spectrum of meds, but they were anti-depressants. Some helped a little but never could get me above board. I just want to behappy for once. I still entertain ideas of suicide and it’s frightening. I want help and it’s so bad I don’t know what to do about it. Self medicated for years with alcohol and it only made things worse. Especially in my life. Someone help me please….
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I can totally relate to your story. I get destructive in my relationships when I’m hypomanic and totally withdrawn while I’m in my depressive episode (my long standing current state). I’ve had thoughts of suicide and I don’t think I really want to kill myself, but I have these flashing thoughts of a violent, graphic death.
It sounds like you may need an additional med which should most likely be a mood stabilizer in addition to the anti-depressant. Sometimes having only an anti-depressant may be throwing you off and making it impossible to stabilize when in your manic state. What have you done to destroy your relationships? Do you have insurance now? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? It sounds like you really need to be under the care of a doctor.
I have also self medicated throughout the years pushing myself over into the realm of addiction. Not only do I have bipolar disorder, but I’m also an addict from all of the self medicating. I had no idea why I was using and drinking for many years. To this day, I still struggle with staying clean and now I can see that I’m only trying to balance myself out by doing something to get me up and going.
You’re not alone there are many of us out here that are still unbalanced and struggling in the up or down state of mind. At times I feel that I’m slipping away and it scares me so badly. Why am I losing my mind, I’m scared and am holding onto tiny strands of what was myself.