24 Responses to “Bipolar Extramarital Affair”

1. Anonymous on October 23rd, 2008 4:25 pm

   The depression along with the desease makes me do things nobody would do. I would be searching for fun, excitement. But when I woke, life was the real thing and I was very low, almost suicidal. She needs help.

2. Larry on January 5th, 2009 3:47 pm

   I suffer with the same thing from my wife. She cheated on me with several men. Now she is contacting another one that she says was someone she met while she was out doing her thing. I told her how it made me feel. She promised not to do it anymore. She would have him contact her from numbers she would think I would not recognize. I quickly caught on to that. Again she promised not to contact him. I even spoke with the gentleman and asked him to stop. They both swear that it is completely platonic. I dont care though. Now she has resorted to using pay phones. Honestly I am in the same boat as you and am considering calling it quits. I cant do this anymore. There are plenty of other woman out there who will appreciate you for you and will give you exactly what you are looking for which is committment and honestly. Hope that helps.

3. Catherine on January 7th, 2009 4:05 pm

   Look guys can i just tell it from the Womans perspective, i myself have bi-polar got diagonised a year ago and i am on medication and trying to live the “correct way” but i am finding myself looking for more exciting things and can totally understand what these woman in your lives crave…it horriable you do love and care for peoploe but this thrill ov excitment is somthing that cant be described, its like “normal” life is sooooo mundane and brings on depression…its hard to live wuth and u may say everybody wants excitment and yes they do but people who suffer from this disorder need EXTREAME excitment!!!
   Cat Manchester

4. Larry on January 7th, 2009 8:33 pm

   Im cool with excitement, but when a person enters a committed relationship, I believe you have to have an obligation to your spouse. You have to be considerate of his or her feelings. What if their are kids involved to? I think just because you have an illness which makes you behave irradicallyl is no excuse. You have to be accountable for your actions and how you are treating others. I think using your illness is just a cop out.

5. Bill on January 16th, 2009 2:29 pm

   WOW, reading the above from the other guys is exactly what I am dealing with now! My wife had an affair on me that lasted several months before I found out. She constantly has to stay busy and if she is not, she is SO terribly hard to deal with. As I forgave her in attempts to save my marriage and my family and reach out to her in ways I have NEVER done before in terms of support, love, etc…but she does not reach back. I too am at that crossroad of divorce, but I love the girl with all of who I am and just want her and our family to be normal! She has not been diagnosed with BP yet, but it runs in her family and I am certain she does. She is fine and happy talking to her friends and sometimes with me, but at times for no good reason she is completely MEAN to me. With this shared, it has now sent me into a deep depression to the point of wondering what my life is worth which is terrible as I need to be strong for my family.

   Are there any medications anyone suggests her to look into that will curve her swings? Right now she is on the highest dose of Effexor which seems to do nothing.

   Thanks

6. DRAE31 on February 10th, 2009 12:44 am

   I don’t know if I have done the right thing or not. I have been with my husband for 3 years now, but we were just married last May. During the first year we were together, although we agreed that we were not going to see other people, I found out that he was having numourous affiars, visiting online porn sites and he had 1000’s of downloaded porn pics and videos on his computer. The first year was a back and forth roller coaster. It went from him cheating to me catching him, to him being mad that I cought him and blaming me for being upset and then him begging and pleading for another chance. After a year of this, he took a new position in another state and I thought it was over. After a few months he returned to my home state and convinced me that he was a changed man and asked me to marry him. He was offered another position in a state 3000 miles away from my home. Since he appeard to be better, I agreed to move here with him. I gave up my apartment and my car and came here my two daughters to live with him and his son two years ago. Within months of my arriving, I cought him back on the porn sites. He behavior towards me and my children has been very controling and mentally and verbaly abusive. Over the past 6 months there has been such a dramatic change in his behavior that I no longer reconize him as the person that I moved here with. He appears to feel no oblagation or concern towards me or our marriage. He quit calling me at work throuhout the day and insisted that I only call him in an emergency. He became less and less affectionate until he showed no non-sexual contact at all. Even sexual contact felt differently. He no longer aknowledged me for the neck up and I began to feel as if I was being used as a blow up doll. If I tried to talk to him about the way he was making me feel he showed no concern for my feeling and only became angry at me and refuesed all sexual contact. He suddenly became extreemly disrespectful and refuesd to let me speak. If I tried to defend myself or get him to acknowledge my feelings he would become furious with me and ignore me for days even weeks at a time. I recently noticed a pattern in his family behavior between him, his mother and his 12 year old son. It was not until about 1 month ago that I realized that he was displaing signs of bi polar disorder. I love my husband and my step-son very much and it was my plan to support them and do all I can to get them help. However; telling my husband that I feel he is bi polar, even in the most supportive and loving way did not go over well at all. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem at all. The other day he was being mean and controlling with my 7 year old daughter again and had her on the floor crying and begging him to believe her about her room being clean while he yelled at her and called her a lier. I sent my daught off to her room and tried to discuss his behavior with him, but he only turned up the TV and ingonred me. I could not take any more, I told him to get help or leave. He choose to take his son and leave, but is insisting that I kicked them out on the streets. (I do know he is staying with a friend). Since he has been gone he refuses to talk to me or communicate in any rational way, not even to discuss his intentions. He firmly believes that I am the bad guy here. I can not afford to pay the bills here on my own and he has left the lives of me and my children in complete limbo. I sent him an email today again offering my love and support if he wanted to return home and get help, but he refuses to acknowledge me. Is there anything I can do at this point or is it too late?

7. Jem on March 22nd, 2009 10:46 am

   I am a 37 year old woman with bipolar and I experience the same things others are reporting. The need for “excitement” and doing things I would not normally do. I have not cheated on my husband but I feel I came close..developing a relationship, albeit platonic, with another man, and my husband found out. I actually told him. It is misery for my poor husband and misery for me. I would like to say, that while yes, bipolar is an illness, and I have done some reckless things, it is imperative that we take full responsibility for our behavior. Just because I have an illness, I will not blame my illness on my behavior. I am a grown woman, and I’m not “psychotic” ie: lost touch with reality. I knew full well what I was doing. I feel so bad for you guys that are going through this.

   It is so true..using your illness for an excuse for your actions is a cop out and incredibly irresponsible. And this is coming from one who has the disease and has done things she regrets.

   I’m extremely lucky my husband has stood by me. I am now “down” from my “high” and *extremely* depressed..but I know this too shall pass. Now the important thing is to work with my psychiatrist to get me stable.

8. Stephen on August 11th, 2009 2:32 am

   I’ve been married for 19 years to a woman who was diagnosed as BP 8 years ago. To say that we’ve been through a lot is an understatement.

   Hypersexuality, mania and the resultant infidelity are things that we’ve had to deal with several times.

   There are times when people with BP simply cannot exercise good judgment. Any competent care provider will tell you this. People with BP WILL do things that affect their families. That’s just part of being related to them.

   Although its really impossible to separate the illness driven behaviors from their personality, spouses and other family members need to understand that BPD changes the way people, think, feel and act. Allowances must be made. Not to do so is unfair because it holds people to unrealistic standards and disappointment becomes the inevitable outcome.

   It is very hard to know that your spouse has sex with other people, becomes infatuated with other people, and can even turn against the people that love them most.

   For many people, these are unbearable behaviors. However, the reason they are unbearable is that they conflict so strongly with expectations. So you have two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.

   It has taken years for us to come to grips with the fact my wife has BP. Fortunately, my wife is really good about taking her meds and seeking therapy. Even so, she has the occasional bout with mania so, for example, we now have an 11 month old girl by another man.

   I could get all upset about that, demand a divorce, etc. But the truth is, I love my little girl and I still love my wife.

9. Joe on August 11th, 2009 7:36 am

   Stephen–

   I think you must be more tolerant than the rest of us mere mortals, because I’m not sure I would put up with quite so much. You mention two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.

   First, “moderate the behaviors” can mean all sorts of things from the person with bipolar willingly taking her medications and putting an honest effort into maintaining mood stability to forced commitment. Too much tolerance, I believe, can lead a loved one to inaction, which can actually be harmful to the person with bipolar, not to mention yourself and everyone else involved.

   I would question whether too much tolerance would be beneficial to the person with bipolar. If the person has no limits, faces no consequences for destructive behaviors, she has license to do anything. This is not good for her or her loved ones.

   From my experience, a certain amount of tough love is required.

   Oh yeah, my second point is that there’s a third option – leave. I’m not advising anyone to take this step lightly, but if the person with bipolar is doing nothing to help herself (or himself), I couldn’t fault anyone for taking this choice.

10. BEA on August 12th, 2009 12:03 pm

    I am the guy who wrote Bipolar Extramarital Affair. I want you to all know that things can get better.

    After extensive help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, our priest, and Depakote, our lives are starting to get back to normal.

    One day last November, my wife woke up angry. She was thinking clearly and it hit her: This psychologist is a predator. He knew she was BP, and took full advantage of it. As a psychologist he knew how to manipulate her and how to get just what he wanted. She took all the risks: she could have lost her home, husband, children and family. He was unmarried at age 44 and risked nothing but his personal well-being. Fortunately for him, a kindly old priest talked me out of putting the hurt on this man. God will settle with him at a much greater price than I could ever extract.

    If you are in the situation I was in, hold out hope. My wife is now stable and her greatest daily trial is living with the guilt of what she did to the children and me. But she will continue to heal, as will our marriage.

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12. Another Cheater on August 17th, 2009 7:49 pm

    You guys are kidding yourself if you think a cheater is going to change, whether he is bipolar or not. It takes a major catastrophe to make one stop that type behavior. Like drinkers who don’t know they are alchoolic. Only when they experience extreme consequences from their drinking do they change, if ever. Learn to love him/her with his/her flaws. Extramarital sex is not the end of the world. And it is legal. Or call it quit right now. At last, stop whining about this.

13. Kendra on August 20th, 2009 2:50 pm

    Call me cruel or harsh but cheating is never okay. I tossed my bipolar husband of 7 years to the curb after sleeping with a 1st grade teacher at OUR daughters elementary school. Taking him back time and time again would only make me the enabler..and I don’t care what you have be it bipolar, major depression or PTSD you MUST be held accountable for your behavior. Mental illness isn’t your get out of jail free card. Sorry but this is the real world.

14. cathy on August 26th, 2009 9:06 pm

    My husband is also diagnsed with bipolar disorder and as he puts it “its all part of the disease” “All” meaning the compulsive behavior, from getting us deaper in dept to the sexual addictions from porn sites, adult friend sites, to sex clubs. I found his posts from claiming to be into everything including bisexual. He contracted a STD & exposed me to it. Lucky for me I was clean, Drug abuse, FIts of rage and now an attempted suicide because I found out his secrets. When does this all end?? I agree that these behaviors should not be enabled and that there are consequences that they need to be held accountable for. The families suffer and they get a free pass. P.S. I meet with a divorce attorney in a few days. Good luck to all its not easy

15. dana on August 31st, 2009 10:54 pm

    i am glade i found this web site i have been looking for answers and questions like this hear bc i am bipolar and get stuff good to know im not alone thank you

16. Nancy on September 2nd, 2009 1:20 am

    I am a 50-year old female who was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II five years ago. I have been divorced for 23 years, and while I was completely loyal to my husband during my marriage, as my illness has begun to manifest itself, I can see in retrospect many signs of hypersexual, reckless behavior. I am in the process of trying hard to end an affair with a married man – simply because the logical part of me knows it will go nowhere and that we are both “addicted to the self-medication” or the “fantasy”, as the first entry here describes. It is terribly difficult; he and I both have addictive personalities, and neither of us seems able to let go of the addiction and the various codependent aspects of the relationship. He will never leave his wife, and I’m frequently shocked at what I have come to put up with – just due to my own neediness. The possible bipolar component is certainly an interesting idea and I’m not sure how much of my history or previous behaviors are the result of it, but this is certainly the only situation where I’ve been involved with a married man. (He did not reveal this to me until we were far too involved in a relationship; by then, I was in too deep.)

    I will use the information from this site and blog to reconsider everything. I struggle so with this illness and really want to be healthy as much as is humanly possible.

17. Dina on September 23rd, 2009 2:10 pm

    I’m trying to help out a middle aged couple who both have bi-polar and outrageous financial debt that they’ve acquired in the last year. He’s very quiet and is under control, takes responsibility for his life is willing to work on getting out of debt, but she acts out all the time. It’s all about her and spending money and never take responsibility for her words or actions. When I tell her this is her last chance to resolve their financial mess she insists that she needs $100 of play money per month to get her nails done, hair done, makeup and whatever she wants. I keep talking logic and responsibility and she keeps insisting on being a brat. When she doesn’t get her way she pours on the tears and I told her that her theatrics are not working on me and to stop acting like a baby.

    My question is which part of her irresponsible, immature behavior is considered a mental condition or is bi-polar just a mental health que for being an immature brat that doesn’t ever want to grow up and take responsibility for their actions? Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative and she assumes because she thinks this way other’s who have a healthier way of thinking must also be at her immature level.

    Believe me. I’m at my wits end. Is there hope for her or am I being used as a sap for a person who insists on not taking responsibility for her actions.

18. cccc on October 8th, 2009 9:50 pm

    I was married 30 years ago to a bi polar man who was extremely contolling and abusive. They do not ever change. I divorced him 27 years ago and have never looked back. These people only think of themselves and don’t give a **** about how you feel or what you think. Get out while you can or you face a life of hurt. I met and married a normal man 22 years ago and live is nice and normal now. I never thought I’d ever be happy again but I am. I am very glad that I walked away, bi polar is just too much for most people to deal with, IMHO. It will never get better than it’s worst day.

19. Judi on December 2nd, 2009 8:17 pm

    I think my fiance is bipolar.His mood swings are draining me,the emotional and mental abuse is shocking and the disrespect is heart wrenching.
    In the begginning he was the sweetest.
    Now he is pathalogically deceptive and lying as a way of life.
    He goes for weekes without uttering one word to me
    and appears quite happy and normal while behaving this way.
    I have to make a decision.

20. Gloria on December 6th, 2009 12:25 pm

    I am pretty sure my ex\fiance is also. I am so glad i found this website also. It has helped me tremendously. The damage in our relationship has been exhausting, stressfull, and completely draining to the whole family. Mine was also perfect in everyway or so I thought till mania hit. Ever since its been like a runaway car without brakes. He is currently gone now with the other woman, but I honestly feel like its only a matter of time, till he “wakes up”. Maybe I am wrong but his history now that i see it is like writing on the wall. Good luck and pray like you’ve never prayed before. Keep a daily journal, it helps. Remember its not you and there is absolutely nothing you can do, change his mind, or reason with him during the manic phase. I know I tried, time and time again. Does not work. Save your breath you will know when he comes down the signs are there.

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23. DJ on January 26th, 2010 10:56 pm

    I have been reading up on BP and have a gut feeling that my wife of 27 years is ether BP or totally deceptive person. Here’s what’s been going on for some time/years and I have dealt with it and she sort of appeared to be back on track. However, in the last year she has got this thing about not opening the mail, destroying it and not paying some bills. She can’t sit and talk to me or anyone else about what is going on with out flying off the handle, storming out and not telling where she is or where she was all night. Her attitude with the family is shorted fused to say the least and dare not ask her about your gut feeling that she may be cheating.

    I have mentioned to her that she needs to seek help that her actions come with out warning and she gets abusive. She never lets her cell phone out of reach, and when she goes to bed it’s somewhere on her side. Whenever she gets a call unless it’s our daughter she either hangs up or walks away and speaks quiet and for a short time. It took our daughter to tell her, “If yo don’t fly right I think Dad is going to up and leave because of your having to have a beer every chance you get.” Well that worked for a while but I don’t think it will last.

    OK here’s the big one….. a few weeks ago is the first time I had wanted to wake her up but didn’t. She goes to bed early and falls asleep in about 3 minutes. I stay up a little later watch TV or IM my son out in AZ and BS with some friends…. Now I hit the sack about a few hours later. After I’m sound asleep I’m awaken and startled by sounds coming form her. I roll over slowly and she’s on her back, moaning “_ _ _ _ me baby, Oh baby,” and she got her pelvis thrusting.” I was trying to catch a name but could make it out. So I don’t say nothing to her but just gave her a knee as I always do when she might snore and that was it.

    So this is on my mind and I ask her “Are you having an affair with someone?” she gets a flush look and then an outrage of anger and storms out of the house and doesn’t tell me where she’s going. I’m to the point of the big D. Nothing is going to ruin my health and I can’t put up with this anymore. I have pleaded with her to get help, because whatever it is has been getting worst. I’m going to say after all I have been reading that it very well could be BP. What’s your input ?

24. Joe on January 27th, 2010 7:09 am

    Hi, DJ–

    Could be bipolar disorder, could be something else entirely, such as a thyroid condition. If it were me, I’d tell my wife how much I loved her, that she seemed not to be herself, and I’m concerned about her health. I would encourage her to see her doctor. (Sounds like you’ve done some of this already, but it doesn’t hurt to try again.)

    If that doesn’t work, I think some sort of family intervention would be in order. Your wife may need to be confronted and told explicitly 1) how this is affecting your life, 2) what her options are, and 3) the consequences if the situation doesn’t improve.

    However, ground all your actions in love and start with the assumption that this is a medical issue.

    I wish you and your family the best.

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