Comments on: A Wife’s Story http://www.finkshrink.com/blog Information and support Sat, 04 Sep 2010 12:42:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Tara http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story/comment-page-2#comment-2040 Tara Sat, 21 Aug 2010 21:19:22 +0000 http://finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story#comment-2040 I am so touched and saddened to read all of your stories, which all sound so familiar to me. I also have been married to a BP and ADHD spouse for 14 years and we have 2 wonderful children. Our struggle began 7 years ago when my husband was first diagnosed. I am just so tired. I feel as though I have tried everything to "get him to see" what he's doing to our family with his behavior. Although he is on meds, he often explodes over little things which are insignificant, yells very hurtful and damaging things, blames the problems on me, tells me that bipolar is "made up" and has nothing to do with his rants and rages. I have felt very battered emotionally for a couple of years now. I have seen a counselor for myself who promptly stated that I had passed my threshold a long time ago. The problem is, my husband does not seem to care. I feel very upset and depressed after we argue because it is always bizarre and there is never any resolution. I have gotten very angry with him and threatened to leave so many times, which also follows bouts of his hurtful and damaging behavior. He seems to twist and distort everything, how arguments happen, what was said, and he forgets what he says. Now his latest thing is telling me that I need help for my anger and that I am the problem. It's very manipulative. I want to leave, even though I love my husband, but it is difficult because I'm a student and a mom with no income right now. Also, my children love their father and I worry about them. I just feel it has become impossible to have a normal relationship with him. He seems incapable or unwilling to talk through anything calmly, work on resolving the problems, seeking help for himself or with me, and staying in the present. I just don't understand how a marriage with someone like this is even possible, unless I'm willing to stay miserable. All my family lives so far away and I truly feel alone sometimes, although I know I am not! I would appreciate any support or insight. God Bless you all. I am so touched and saddened to read all of your stories, which all sound so familiar to me. I also have been married to a BP and ADHD spouse for 14 years and we have 2 wonderful children. Our struggle began 7 years ago when my husband was first diagnosed.

I am just so tired. I feel as though I have tried everything to “get him to see” what he’s doing to our family with his behavior. Although he is on meds, he often explodes over little things which are insignificant, yells very hurtful and damaging things, blames the problems on me, tells me that bipolar is “made up” and has nothing to do with his rants and rages.

I have felt very battered emotionally for a couple of years now. I have seen a counselor for myself who promptly stated that I had passed my threshold a long time ago. The problem is, my husband does not seem to care. I feel very upset and depressed after we argue because it is always bizarre and there is never any resolution. I have gotten very angry with him and threatened to leave so many times, which also follows bouts of his hurtful and damaging behavior. He seems to twist and distort everything, how arguments happen, what was said, and he forgets what he says. Now his latest thing is telling me that I need help for my anger and that I am the problem. It’s very manipulative.

I want to leave, even though I love my husband, but it is difficult because I’m a student and a mom with no income right now. Also, my children love their father and I worry about them. I just feel it has become impossible to have a normal relationship with him. He seems incapable or unwilling to talk through anything calmly, work on resolving the problems, seeking help for himself or with me, and staying in the present.

I just don’t understand how a marriage with someone like this is even possible, unless I’m willing to stay miserable.

All my family lives so far away and I truly feel alone sometimes, although I know I am not! I would appreciate any support or insight.

God Bless you all.

]]> By: Lindsey http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story/comment-page-2#comment-2026 Lindsey Sun, 01 Aug 2010 07:39:43 +0000 http://finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story#comment-2026 Your story sounds identical to mine. I can deal with the anger, but it is the constant I want that gets to me. It is the selfishness. I left once and I wish I had stayed gone because now I don't know how to leave. He is doing ok (not good, but ok) and I have no money to leave. I don't know how to leave safely. We have two kids and I don't want them to get hurt (physically or emotionally). I just don't know if I can do another winter. I don't want to live in a prison anymore. Your story sounds identical to mine. I can deal with the anger, but it is the constant I want that gets to me. It is the selfishness. I left once and I wish I had stayed gone because now I don’t know how to leave. He is doing ok (not good, but ok) and I have no money to leave. I don’t know how to leave safely. We have two kids and I don’t want them to get hurt (physically or emotionally). I just don’t know if I can do another winter. I don’t want to live in a prison anymore.

]]> By: Nancy http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story/comment-page-2#comment-2014 Nancy Sun, 18 Jul 2010 04:56:12 +0000 http://finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story#comment-2014 Sitting here reading all these posts up until the latest. My advice to you is to really think about a life long commitment. I am now separated from husband who I have been with for over 20 years, married 17 (or just 3 days shy of 17 years). I felt that I had gone crazy. I had been the fixer of all his problems over the years. I could write a book, be a lifetime movie, as everyone tells me. I wouldn't know where to begin except for some crazy reason, I journaled for the last 10 years, I always knew he was (passionate), thats how I explained it, but now realize that was manic. I was a perfect wife, perfect mom (with 2 beautiful boys age 13 and 10 who had very serious medical problems) I dealt. He said, he couldn't even have 2 healthy kids. Then the insults, then the emotional abuse. Then the jealousy of my closeness with my boys, to the point he started verbally and emotionally abusing them to do what he wanted. I always was a positive person, I lost me over the years and up until last September knew deep down I wanted out, but didn't know how. I started gambling at a casino that opened and lost everything. I did things that are not characteristic to who I am. My family was alienated and very worried about me. I let my house go because no one seemed to care enough. I felt like a slave, I have a full time job working with an autistic 12 yr old for the last 2 years as a paraprofessional. I always loved helping people, but at what price? I blew everything, wrote bad checks (and know the consequences) and take full responsibility. May 12, 2010, 3 days shy of our 17 anniversary I came home from work. I walked in the door and long story short, he jumped on me about money, sent my kids to my mother in laws (which he would never do, because he would want them to see him do his thing, or not even care) I turned around and he punched me in the face, then 17 more times and kicked me, while saying "Is this what YOU wanted!" I finally kicked him off me and somehow got the strength to kick him out the door and lock it. I called the police, they issued a warrant for Domestic Violence. I left the house and went to stay with my sister and her family. My boys got to see how a "normal" family functions. I got a PFA and kept him away for 3 weeks. His mother and brother, who know his behaviors, turned on me and I became the worst person in the world. I was blessed to have a host of the most supportive family and friends and my church (which I never really participated in because he felt anger towards our religion of Catholic. He was on the verge of losing his very well paying job as a nurse because of not getting along with co workers (but I will say he is one hell of a nurse) to everyone else, but no empathy for me. I developed type II diabetes, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure and depression. At times I felt like I chose this life and wanted to be a family. But to what degree? I NEVER thought he would lay a hand on me! NEVER! I moved out and now live in a Transitional Home for Homeless women. He is on Family Leave for his problems, which he now attends court ordered anger management and sees a psychiatrist. I asked him to do these things for years. I have had more broken furniture, broken friendships, broken hearts. I always said we never knew if Heckle or Jeckel was going to be on the other side of the door. We are on a talking basis and somehow I think he thinks I will come back. I have enrolled in school starting Aug. 23 to brush up my skills of Paralegal which I got a degree 20 years ago. I always wanted to be an attorney. I was led to believe I was worthless, always wrong and caused everything down to today's recession. I believe now I gambled to blow everything to make it easier to leave. He did ask me why I gambled, I told him the poker machines, and the strangers I met were nicer to me than he was. I always, along with his mother said we always walked on egg shells with him. I said my feet are so bruised, callused, and damaged. I'd rather walk on fire. I am maintaining a relationship with him for my sons, which since I have been gone and he is on Ambilify he is so "blah" I know he is trying. I signed the house over to him, because over the last 18 years, he always told me it was "his" house. Well, I did the sales agreement, worked as the agent for the seller and obtained the mortgage. I had to quit a great job to take care of my younger son 10 years ago. I always felt like I had to justify my existence. I finally told him his expectations of me were too high. Writing this all down, doesn't even scratch the surface, but I do hope if anyone reads this and sees themselves in me. I truely pray for you. People tell me how strong I am too leave and do everything I have done in short of 2 months. But let me tell you, once the ball starts rolling, it can't go back up hill. But CAN move forward. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior and I can't save him anymore. I need to take care of me so I can be here for my boys. Again, let me stress I NEVER thought he would hurt me! I thought I knew him inside and out. I was wrong! I am always on guard when around him, which right now is often because of the boys. I want them to have a relationship with their Dad, but I watch closely and everyone told me not to bash him to the kids. I didn't. They said the kids would figure it out for themselves. They do, and fast believe me. But they are torn. I am glad I left to start over at 43 years old rather than get sick and die because I took care of him and not me. I have known many who went this way. Please remember who YOU are! I never thought I would lose me, but I did. But I am slowly finding my way. I will deal with my problems and move forward. He needs to figure this out alone. I was always the one afraid to be alone, but finally don't have that "pick, pick, pick" in my brain that I couldn't think straight. I am seeing clearly now and my wish is that this post will at least help one person to know you are not as alone as you think, you just have to move outside of your comfort zone. He laid a hand on me once, never again! Please think before marrying, I had no idea the road I was embarking on, I thought "Oh I can change him and help him once married" I was wrong. Don't romanticize this, you will lose yourself. Don't be a martyr. You were put upon this earth to bless many lives, not just one. Sitting here reading all these posts up until the latest. My advice to you is to really think about a life long commitment. I am now separated from husband who I have been with for over 20 years, married 17 (or just 3 days shy of 17 years). I felt that I had gone crazy. I had been the fixer of all his problems over the years. I could write a book, be a lifetime movie, as everyone tells me. I wouldn’t know where to begin except for some crazy reason, I journaled for the last 10 years, I always knew he was (passionate), thats how I explained it, but now realize that was manic. I was a perfect wife, perfect mom (with 2 beautiful boys age 13 and 10 who had very serious medical problems) I dealt. He said, he couldn’t even have 2 healthy kids. Then the insults, then the emotional abuse. Then the jealousy of my closeness with my boys, to the point he started verbally and emotionally abusing them to do what he wanted. I always was a positive person, I lost me over the years and up until last September knew deep down I wanted out, but didn’t know how. I started gambling at a casino that opened and lost everything. I did things that are not characteristic to who I am. My family was alienated and very worried about me. I let my house go because no one seemed to care enough. I felt like a slave, I have a full time job working with an autistic 12 yr old for the last 2 years as a paraprofessional. I always loved helping people, but at what price? I blew everything, wrote bad checks (and know the consequences) and take full responsibility. May 12, 2010, 3 days shy of our 17 anniversary I came home from work. I walked in the door and long story short, he jumped on me about money, sent my kids to my mother in laws (which he would never do, because he would want them to see him do his thing, or not even care) I turned around and he punched me in the face, then 17 more times and kicked me, while saying “Is this what YOU wanted!” I finally kicked him off me and somehow got the strength to kick him out the door and lock it. I called the police, they issued a warrant for Domestic Violence. I left the house and went to stay with my sister and her family. My boys got to see how a “normal” family functions. I got a PFA and kept him away for 3 weeks. His mother and brother, who know his behaviors, turned on me and I became the worst person in the world. I was blessed to have a host of the most supportive family and friends and my church (which I never really participated in because he felt anger towards our religion of Catholic. He was on the verge of losing his very well paying job as a nurse because of not getting along with co workers (but I will say he is one hell of a nurse) to everyone else, but no empathy for me. I developed type II diabetes, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure and depression. At times I felt like I chose this life and wanted to be a family. But to what degree? I NEVER thought he would lay a hand on me! NEVER! I moved out and now live in a Transitional Home for Homeless women. He is on Family Leave for his problems, which he now attends court ordered anger management and sees a psychiatrist. I asked him to do these things for years. I have had more broken furniture, broken friendships, broken hearts. I always said we never knew if Heckle or Jeckel was going to be on the other side of the door. We are on a talking basis and somehow I think he thinks I will come back. I have enrolled in school starting Aug. 23 to brush up my skills of Paralegal which I got a degree 20 years ago. I always wanted to be an attorney. I was led to believe I was worthless, always wrong and caused everything down to today’s recession. I believe now I gambled to blow everything to make it easier to leave. He did ask me why I gambled, I told him the poker machines, and the strangers I met were nicer to me than he was. I always, along with his mother said we always walked on egg shells with him. I said my feet are so bruised, callused, and damaged. I’d rather walk on fire. I am maintaining a relationship with him for my sons, which since I have been gone and he is on Ambilify he is so “blah” I know he is trying. I signed the house over to him, because over the last 18 years, he always told me it was “his” house. Well, I did the sales agreement, worked as the agent for the seller and obtained the mortgage. I had to quit a great job to take care of my younger son 10 years ago. I always felt like I had to justify my existence. I finally told him his expectations of me were too high. Writing this all down, doesn’t even scratch the surface, but I do hope if anyone reads this and sees themselves in me. I truely pray for you. People tell me how strong I am too leave and do everything I have done in short of 2 months. But let me tell you, once the ball starts rolling, it can’t go back up hill. But CAN move forward. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior and I can’t save him anymore. I need to take care of me so I can be here for my boys. Again, let me stress I NEVER thought he would hurt me! I thought I knew him inside and out. I was wrong! I am always on guard when around him, which right now is often because of the boys. I want them to have a relationship with their Dad, but I watch closely and everyone told me not to bash him to the kids. I didn’t. They said the kids would figure it out for themselves. They do, and fast believe me. But they are torn. I am glad I left to start over at 43 years old rather than get sick and die because I took care of him and not me. I have known many who went this way. Please remember who YOU are! I never thought I would lose me, but I did. But I am slowly finding my way. I will deal with my problems and move forward. He needs to figure this out alone. I was always the one afraid to be alone, but finally don’t have that “pick, pick, pick” in my brain that I couldn’t think straight. I am seeing clearly now and my wish is that this post will at least help one person to know you are not as alone as you think, you just have to move outside of your comfort zone. He laid a hand on me once, never again! Please think before marrying, I had no idea the road I was embarking on, I thought “Oh I can change him and help him once married” I was wrong. Don’t romanticize this, you will lose yourself. Don’t be a martyr. You were put upon this earth to bless many lives, not just one.

]]> By: AnonymousRCN http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story/comment-page-2#comment-2009 AnonymousRCN Mon, 12 Jul 2010 07:05:38 +0000 http://finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story#comment-2009 I need some advise. I am 24 years old, and I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, and we have been good friends for 8. Throughout the 6 years, we have both been sure that we are meant to be together. We have been through so much together already in our young lives (bipolar aside). He is my best friend, and I have wanted to marry him since the first month we dated. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 about 4 years ago after a manic episode that was induced by the meds he took after surgery. He has had only two other episodes (hypo-manic) since. 95% of the time, he is the person who I fell in love with, and he is the person who I adore, and he is my rock. Then 5% of the time, he is someone who I do not recognize and his life and my life become completely crazy and abnormal in a painful way. Recently, I have been emotionally abused through complete isolation and additionally I have been blamed for things that are irrational and painful, and pretty much verbal abuse. But his episodes are mostly euphoric. He has never gone off his meds since he started, and he does not want to. He also willingly sees a psychologist who he likes and wants us to see him together. He is probably the best kind of bipolar patient you could ask for. But he is still bipolar. The thing about my situation is I get to choose, more easily than if I was married and had children, if I should continue this relationship. I am scared to death of the unpredictable nature of this disorder. He has shown great desire to not let the disorder defeat him. Yet, life is uncertain and I know that the way he handles this disorder can always change simply due to the control it can take over a person. I want to have children yet I am scared of the chances that they would be bipolar. I want a stable and happy life (I know that life always throws difficult thing at you that you do not expect, but this is something I can choose to opt out of). I want him to be my rock and the one I can lean on. I want to be a team, not be the sole carrier of the heavy burden. I am obviously devastated that my expectations, hopes, and dreams for our future have to be reconsidered and are greatly challenged by this disorder. It is such a sad thought to imagine that I would not consider him worth loving unconditionally because of this disorder, yet I also know I should think about myself and my future right now at my age. He is a very motivated person, extremely bright, going to a top law school, has access to good health care and has a great family and support system. Yet he still has these episodes that I have learned have the potential to ruin relationships, not to mention stable homes, financial stability, even end lives. This is a horrible disorder. What would you do? I need some advise. I am 24 years old, and I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, and we have been good friends for 8. Throughout the 6 years, we have both been sure that we are meant to be together. We have been through so much together already in our young lives (bipolar aside). He is my best friend, and I have wanted to marry him since the first month we dated. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 about 4 years ago after a manic episode that was induced by the meds he took after surgery. He has had only two other episodes (hypo-manic) since. 95% of the time, he is the person who I fell in love with, and he is the person who I adore, and he is my rock. Then 5% of the time, he is someone who I do not recognize and his life and my life become completely crazy and abnormal in a painful way. Recently, I have been emotionally abused through complete isolation and additionally I have been blamed for things that are irrational and painful, and pretty much verbal abuse. But his episodes are mostly euphoric. He has never gone off his meds since he started, and he does not want to. He also willingly sees a psychologist who he likes and wants us to see him together. He is probably the best kind of bipolar patient you could ask for. But he is still bipolar.

The thing about my situation is I get to choose, more easily than if I was married and had children, if I should continue this relationship. I am scared to death of the unpredictable nature of this disorder. He has shown great desire to not let the disorder defeat him. Yet, life is uncertain and I know that the way he handles this disorder can always change simply due to the control it can take over a person. I want to have children yet I am scared of the chances that they would be bipolar. I want a stable and happy life (I know that life always throws difficult thing at you that you do not expect, but this is something I can choose to opt out of). I want him to be my rock and the one I can lean on. I want to be a team, not be the sole carrier of the heavy burden. I am obviously devastated that my expectations, hopes, and dreams for our future have to be reconsidered and are greatly challenged by this disorder. It is such a sad thought to imagine that I would not consider him worth loving unconditionally because of this disorder, yet I also know I should think about myself and my future right now at my age. He is a very motivated person, extremely bright, going to a top law school, has access to good health care and has a great family and support system. Yet he still has these episodes that I have learned have the potential to ruin relationships, not to mention stable homes, financial stability, even end lives. This is a horrible disorder.

What would you do?

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story/comment-page-2#comment-1962 Anonymous Wed, 28 Apr 2010 01:13:17 +0000 http://finkshrink.com/blog/bipolar-stories-and-insights/a-wifes-story#comment-1962 Your story is very sad, but right on. Thank you for writing. Everyone should know how destructive this affliction can be to the self image, hopes and dreams of those that choose to live with those afflicted. I hope everything worked out. Your story is very sad, but right on. Thank you for writing. Everyone should know how destructive this affliction can be to the self image, hopes and dreams of those that choose to live with those afflicted. I hope everything worked out.

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